Alexithymia, community, and ‘jelly buddies’

I had an absolute blast at the Professional Speaking Association summit over the weekend, but I need to get real for a moment.

Sometimes things can happen that make me feel incredibly disabled, and incompetent, and this can have a devastating effect on me, but not immediately, it is a delayed emotional response. I have alexithymia, and so, big emotions don’t hit me immediately. They brew under the surface, then there’s a deluge sometime later.

One such screw-up was almost completely missing the 8am sound check for the closing musical collaboration. I wasn’t there, so neither were my bass guitar nor my acoustic guitar. Me and my guitars were all 25 minutes late, and would have missed it completely if I hadn’t received a WhatsApp message letting me know.

I didn’t know about this 8am soundcheck, because the notification came through when Si and I were doing the music at a friend’s wedding and tensions were running high to say the least. No excuse, I should have asked. This let down several people who are incredibly important to me, but they did not shame me for my oversight – I did that all to myself.

Autistic me is hyper-organised and ultra-reliable, but needs clarity in instructions and expectations. ADHD me is sometimes forgetful, sometimes drops a ball. I care very deeply about being reliable and not letting people down. Especially Michelle Mills-Porter The People Reader 🌈 who values and trusts me.

When something like this happens, I get immediately defensive. Then some time later, when it hits me that it is my fault, and that I have let people down, then I have a mental health wobble. I wallow in self-pity and shame. I want to run away.

On this occasion, when the shame hit me, and I became unable to cope, I went to the adjoining room and stared out of the window at the rain hitting the surface of the lake, the mist hanging in the air.

Eventually, one of my newer friends Emily Haslam-Jones who has some shared challenges and synergy with me, she walked in and very patiently and gently checked in with me and supported me. We had a heart to heart, and some tears. We hugged. And I felt a strong connection, compassion and understanding. Then I started to feel better. Another coffee, and I was ready to go back into the main room and enjoy the rest of the event.

The previous day, the amazing Julia Grace had talked in her keynote speech about mental health wobbles, and the important role of a ‘jelly buddy’ – somebody who helps you get back on the plate when you wobble. I never would have thought I would experience this for real the very next morning, with somebody I had only just met. This is the beginning of a lifelong treasured friendship, I am sure.

It is not easy meeting new people and making new friends when you’re autistic and have ADHD, but the friendships I have made in the PSA community are incredible.